New Creatures

I'm finally getting my life in order. In preparation for the new year I've conducted a cleansing in all aspects of my life. I've given away clothes I haven't used (mostly clothes I'm still hoping to fit into, that is), shoes I don't use anymore and finally tended to unfinished affairs.

One of them is to update my picturetrail album. I've uploaded new jpgs of all my recent works. There are picts of the fertility dolls that I've made for friends and collegues and new wire work bugs I've made to sell.

My fertility doll. Have a look at the rest of them here.

This is mukitina. See the rest of the bug menagerie.
Here's affirming our fufillment, good health, happiness, and all the love our heart can hold, and so it is. HAPPY NEW YEAR ONE AND ALL!

The Aftermath

The day after Christmas is almost over and I find myself wishing I could go back to the 24th so I can spend a moment remembering my Dad. It was he's death anniversary. I don't much like celebrating death anniversaries. I'd rather remember good things about loved ones who have passed away.

Now years later, when I try to remember, I'm still stuck on the painful memory of loosing him. It feels like it was yesterday.

I spent most of that day (24th of Decemeber, that is) with my siblings. I helped my sister make the traditional buko salad (condensed milk, cream, fruit cocktail, sweet corn, young coconut , pineapple tidbits). In my haste to beat the traffic I forgot to bring my own food so I had to make do with a tomato and onion omelete. I'm a vegan so I usually bring my own food to family reunions.

We all went to have diner with the Aunts and then proceeded to my sister's church to hear Bhutan (one of my niece) sing her solo as part of the children's choir. She pleaded with us not to come see her. Of course we all wanted to go and see her even more after she begged us not to.

I realized how detached I really felt from the practice of public worship. I was mostly uncomfortable being there as I really would rather not participate in the service out of politeness. It brought back unpleasant memories from childhood when I used to endure sunday mass which the Aunts insisted I attend.

I remember wearing clothes that was both uncomfortable and inappropriate. The aunts' idea of sunday's best are clothes that looked flashy and formal. Comfort doesn't seem to be part of her agenda when she made them for me.

Now that I'm an adult I realize even more how I prefer personal spiritual practice. I no longer have to wear flashy clothes that made me want to scratch every inch of my body and I can do it in the privacy of my home away from public scrutiny. I don't have to smile and endure questions of how many kids I have even though I'm single and have no plans of having kids. I can wear my pajamas around the house and do whatever I like on Sundays. Life is good.

Well, now I'm getting sleepy and looking forward to sleeping. Good night dear void.

Merry Christmas one and all!

Hi yah all.

I'm finally finished with Christmas gift making. I can finally get back to working on my pieces. I have 3 dolls to finish and a dragon or two to make. I wish the Christmas break was longer.

Happily, I'm finally able to achieve closure concerning the betrayal issue. Now I can finally get back on the road to healing about all the hurt that came from that painful phase in my life. I'm still working on some other older hurtful experiences. I seem to have a lot of them and I'm only now beginning to remember them. Remembrance seem to be the key to dealing with unfinished business. Unhealthy relationships ends, old wounds become fresh again but despite it all, lessons learned from it all are invaluable and as a result other friendship gain more depth and value so I'm not complaining.

More later. Its been a long exhilirating, tiresome abut happy week. My bed becons. Right, so good night dear void. Tonight my heart is light and peaceful. Zzzzz.

Holiday mad rush!

Whew! I'm currently on the last leg of my holiday preparations. A lot of my gifts are handmade again this year. This saves me money and it gives me joy to create something out of nothing (well, next to nothing, that is) so I'm always happy despite all the hard work it takes to make the gifts.

I'm also in the middle of tweaking my life. This is something I seem to find the need to do every six months.

I'm thinking the universe doesn't really cut me anymore slack when it comes to sweeping undealt with issues under the rug. I'm finding this to be more and more true as I get older. I'm guessing this also has something to do with the fact that I don't put up with so much BS anymore.

I'm just not willing to waste time anymore. "I have things to do and places to go!" That seems to be the battle cry of women of history.

This year, I am proud to be able to say I am a woman of history. I have won my battles, well atleast a lot of them, and learned my lessons. Some of them I'm still learning. Life is good and I am learning new ways to be happy everyday.

Like everyone else I'm also learning how to forgive. I've realized that there are so many facets to that very basic karmic lesson and at the moment I'm more than a little stumped with accomplishing forgiveness.

How does one forgive when there has been a breach or trust? I'm trying to move along with the tide and hoping I'll figure it out somehow but no matter how dulled the pain is its what prevents me from moving one.

I keep asking myself how I can let people use me and stay friends with them. Its just not a self-repecting thing to do. I see no reason to talk to the person involved because I no longer wish to give the friendship a chance. All I want to do at the moment is to move on.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm no longer angry and if this is an indication that I don't respect myself enough to get angry about such an enormous offense that has been committed to me. Or is it that I have finally achieved some evolution and my priorities have changed and giving in to anger is no longer part of it?

I still feel however, that this person no longer deserve my friendship. I think the fact that I'm writing about this means that I am angry and that I'm trying to convince myself not to give in to anger because I am unwilling to expend energy on someone so unworthy. I'm realising the offense is unforgiveable and that I am really in denial about that fact that I am unwilling to forgive.

I keep waiting and hoping the person will come up to me and tell me the truth but lately I'm realising maybe the person no longer knows what the truth is. The web of lies that has woven has become so intricate that I suspect this person can no longer tell the difference between truth and fiction.

Whatever the case maybe I think I'll let the universe take care of this one. I'm just too tired to do anything about it at the moment.

I think the holiday break will do me well. It would be good to keep away from my source of contradiction.

So good night dear void. I hope sleep will do me well tonight.