Holiday mad rush!

Whew! I'm currently on the last leg of my holiday preparations. A lot of my gifts are handmade again this year. This saves me money and it gives me joy to create something out of nothing (well, next to nothing, that is) so I'm always happy despite all the hard work it takes to make the gifts.

I'm also in the middle of tweaking my life. This is something I seem to find the need to do every six months.

I'm thinking the universe doesn't really cut me anymore slack when it comes to sweeping undealt with issues under the rug. I'm finding this to be more and more true as I get older. I'm guessing this also has something to do with the fact that I don't put up with so much BS anymore.

I'm just not willing to waste time anymore. "I have things to do and places to go!" That seems to be the battle cry of women of history.

This year, I am proud to be able to say I am a woman of history. I have won my battles, well atleast a lot of them, and learned my lessons. Some of them I'm still learning. Life is good and I am learning new ways to be happy everyday.

Like everyone else I'm also learning how to forgive. I've realized that there are so many facets to that very basic karmic lesson and at the moment I'm more than a little stumped with accomplishing forgiveness.

How does one forgive when there has been a breach or trust? I'm trying to move along with the tide and hoping I'll figure it out somehow but no matter how dulled the pain is its what prevents me from moving one.

I keep asking myself how I can let people use me and stay friends with them. Its just not a self-repecting thing to do. I see no reason to talk to the person involved because I no longer wish to give the friendship a chance. All I want to do at the moment is to move on.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm no longer angry and if this is an indication that I don't respect myself enough to get angry about such an enormous offense that has been committed to me. Or is it that I have finally achieved some evolution and my priorities have changed and giving in to anger is no longer part of it?

I still feel however, that this person no longer deserve my friendship. I think the fact that I'm writing about this means that I am angry and that I'm trying to convince myself not to give in to anger because I am unwilling to expend energy on someone so unworthy. I'm realising the offense is unforgiveable and that I am really in denial about that fact that I am unwilling to forgive.

I keep waiting and hoping the person will come up to me and tell me the truth but lately I'm realising maybe the person no longer knows what the truth is. The web of lies that has woven has become so intricate that I suspect this person can no longer tell the difference between truth and fiction.

Whatever the case maybe I think I'll let the universe take care of this one. I'm just too tired to do anything about it at the moment.

I think the holiday break will do me well. It would be good to keep away from my source of contradiction.

So good night dear void. I hope sleep will do me well tonight.