Winnie's Musings

I've moved!

2007-07-15T12:00:00.000+08:00

Hi all.

I've moved over to a new place. I hope you'll come visit me there too.

My Ancestor Altar

2007-06-07T21:02:00.000+08:00

I was finally able to put up my ancestor altar. I haven't put it up since I moved out here to the city three years ago. It took a while. I was looking for a suitable cabinet and other acoutrements, like the "Our Lady of Guadalupe" image. I still lack a cross. I think I'm going to make a cloth sculptured one. I can't find one I like.

Just click the picture above to see more pictures of the altar. Its a work in progress so I'll probably end up changing and adding to it in the future. I'll posts picts of it as I do so.

Returning From the Grave

2007-05-31T20:47:00.000+08:00

I'm finally back online. I've been away for almost six months. I wasn't able to buy a new pc until now so I've been busy doing other stuff I could get my hands on just to get over the withdrawal symptoms of not being online and not using a computer. Whew! I'm glad its finally over.

Check out my new works at creaturesmith.com Hah! Actual tangible proof of a prolific-almost-six-month-hiatus from the web.

Update from Exile

2007-05-17T22:38:00.000+08:00

More proof! I've been busy.

Birthday Wish

2007-04-20T22:23:00.000+08:00

At the moment, I wish this is the state of my mind, blank and without worries. Hah! It is actually teeming with unwanted thoughts about issues that have not been settled and circumstances that have proved to be immutable. Its a terrible thing to find yourself in a circumstance you are powerless to change. "Surrender to the will of heaven" comes to mind, yes.

Anyway, check out my new creature. I have cause to celebrate besides my birthday.

House/ Home Dilemna

2006-11-04T13:13:00.000+08:00

"I never earned enough to consider buying a house and now that I do I'm too old to do so." That was what I was thinking when I made this page.

I am faced with the choice of buying a house within the next two years of be faced with the probability of renting for the rest of my life. Not very promising prospects eh. Very disconcerting and very depressing indeed.

So I've decided to stay another year here at my flat. Finish the grad school thesis and then take steps to be in escrow. A scary thought, that. I'm aiming for a 10 year arrangment. I just don't like the prospects of anything longer than that. Its dreadfully freightening, actually.

Now, then, there's the matter of mustering up enough courage to do this all by myself. Wish me success on that, dear void, or whoever is out there that might be compelled enough to comment.

Three Levels of Creation

2006-11-01T17:58:00.000+08:00

The text reads, "As God created me, so do I create myself by living my life with the intention of self realization. As I fulfill my sacred contract I honor mymaker by being true to who I am.

Five On My Mind

2006-10-20T02:21:00.000+08:00

This is what I made tonight while watching tv. I decided it'll be better to put it all down on paper instead of keeping it bottled up inside.

While waiting for Tommy Kane's print ads and journal pages to downloadI heard the distant sound of mild explotion outside my window. I looked out and saw this...
Too bad I only just managed to take this one picture using my old trusty (and most fabulous) digicam.

I thought it was weird to be hearing such noises since its not even November yet and Filipinos start having fireworks only during the last few days before Christmas and New Year's. There's probably some kind of celebration going on at the nearby all boy's school. There was probably some kind of celebration going on at the nearby school for boys or there wouldn't be such a fabulous fireworks display.

My Illustrated home

2006-10-15T13:54:00.000+08:00

Oh happy day! My home has been featured in a major newspaper today.

Sadly though, the online article does not include photographs that the actual article features so I've uploaded jpgs of what the article chose to include.

Except for the part where I've been described as someone who dabbles in mixed media art -I've never in my dabbled in anything. I always jump in with my clothes on, into the water, so to speak, you see. Iam for the record, a multi media artist because I work in various media to create a tangible perceivable version of my concepts. Unless the definition for a multi-media artist changed while I wasn't looking, I am and will probably always be a multi-media artist. Be that as it may, I'm pleased with it. Thank you Me-an!
This is not the same jpg that was used in the news paper article. Me-an removed all traces of human habitation from it. I don't mind showing my everyday clutter to the rest of you so here's an uncensored, cluttered photo of my kitchen. This scan of the journal entree about the building where my flat is was done before I added words on the background. I'll upload a jpg with the text later. Like my flat, all my pages seem to be eternally in progress.

New Journal Pages, New Zit and Other Profundities

2006-09-03T22:39:00.001+08:00

I still haven't figured out how to have my jpgs appear with my blog entries in my wordpress blog. I'm a bit uninhibited in writing my entries there. Probably because I know no one is really reading it because I haven't promoted its url. Crazy, really!

Anyhow I've ended up making these pages in "The True & The Questions" journal by Sabrina instead of making a piece on "peace." I meant to do that but these pages are what spilled out of me today so here they are.

Now I'm beginning another page in that journal again and I've begun to add more text on this page but I'm too lazy to take another picture so you won't see the new stuff I've added on it until I've done so.

Bugger! I've sprouted another zit just now. I've been eating this vegan ham made of seaweed and soy all week. Soy gives me zits due to its high fat content. For those of you who aren't vegans you don't know the value of eating vegan ham despite the fact that it gives you zit because it really tastes like spam. Glorious!

Moving on. I just realized that this "The True & The Questions" journal, is really about making lists and that I've been a listmaker most of my adult life. I remember making lists using the typewriter when I was in college. Being a procrastinator, lists are my way of dealing with my inequities in following through with what I start. Being an arian, I'm big on starting new things but I'm not good in the finishing department. This is actually what I've begun to write in the margins of "My worries" page and the page after that.

Making lists is like an exercise in self-commitment. Once I've listed it down my internal gears have no other recourse but to set out to complete the task enumerated therein. No matter how much time it takes I don't throw out the list until I've done so. Otherwise I just carry over the unfinished task in a new list.

Its really an obsessive compulsion. Can you tell? Hah! You've found me out eh? Right. On to my lists then.

Lazy-Crazy-Monday

2006-08-28T12:55:00.000+08:00

I woke up from a horrible dream of a ferral dog baring its teeth at me. I beat it with this white bag I was carrying and then I woke up. I went to sleep after that but when I woke up again I completely forgot the details of my dream even though I was aware that I had one. Perhaps the title of this should be crazy Monday.

I have journal pages to grade and encode. I was hoping the paycheck would be available today but its not. Tomorrow I go to school to encode the rest of the grades in my record so I can submit the midterm grades of my classes. Then perhaps if the paycheck's already available then I can maybe see a movie or eat cake even though I'm allergic to wheat. Hah! I've been having this hankering for toasted bread with vegemite and honey. How crazy is that?

Oh well, back to work it is.

Act now!

2006-08-05T11:28:00.000+08:00

Let's do something to stop the carnage taking place in Lebanon and Israel.

I'm all for the process of being heard and for speaking up. This is my small contribution to the peace effort. Every great journey starts with a small step. Great change can have a humble beginning.

Here's affirming the success of our humble endeavor for peace, and so it is!

Below is the letter that promotes this endeavor. Cut and paster it, put it up on your blog, spread the word and sign the petition.

Dear friends,

Right now a tragedy is unfolding in the Middle East. Thousands of innocent civilians have been killed or wounded in the bombings in Lebanon, Palestine and Israel and the death toll is rising every day. If the US, Syria or Iran get involved, there is a chance of a catastrophic larger war. UN Secretary General Kofi Annan has called for an immediate ceasefire and the deployment of international troops to the Israel-Lebanon border, and been strongly supported by almost every world leader. This is the best proposal yet to stop the violence, but the US, the UK, and Israel have refused to accept it. I have just signed a petition calling on US President Bush, UK Prime Minister Blair, and Israeli Prime Minister Olmert to support Kofi Annan's proposal. If millions of people join this call, and we advertise our views in newspapers in the US, UK, and Israel, we can help pressure these leaders to stop the fighting. Go to this link and sign up now!

With hope,

http://www.ceasefirecampaign.org

More Bugs!

2006-08-05T00:40:00.000+08:00

I made two more new bugs the following day. Was able to post this just now.

Princess Antela is my favorite. I think I won't put her up for adoption.

This is Prinsipe Talahib (Prince Reed). He's a blue praying mantis, sort of. All these are of course high breeds and are only loosely based on the real thing. The beads dictate what form the bugs will turn out to be.

Prinsipe Talahib (Prince Reed)

This is the Blue Ant. I made it with wings and took a picture of it and then later decided to take out the wings. Here's a picture of both versions, the final of which is the one without wings.

This batch has either japanese crystal bead (Princess Antela & White Ant) or a fresh water pearl (Mookie G, Prince Reed, & bantfly) for a head.

I've ran out of the oval bead I use for the thighs of these bugs so I've stopped making them today. I'll make some more when I get new supplies. They're fun to make and very fulfilling to look at. Everytime I make them I end up feeling like I want to keep them all to myself but I'm willing to let them go when people ask to adopt them. LOL!

New Bugs!!!

2006-07-31T01:50:00.000+08:00

I made new bugs. Happiness!

I haven't done any wirework stuff in a while. A cousin requested to have one commissioned for a friend and I couldn't say no even though my neck and arm is not recovered yet so I made...

Antfly

After I finished all my chores I went on to make...

White Ant and...

Mookie G!

Princess Antela

Prinsipe Talahib (Prince Reed)

I just can't stop making these critters. That's why I haven't made any in a while. I wont' be able to stop until my arm and hand hurts. Oh, well. I'll risk it. I need the creative fix and the members of my previous bug menagerie are now with their new charges so I could use new guardians.

Typhoon Thrusday

2006-07-14T23:35:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was exquisite bed weather. Rainy, with occasional gusty winds and minimal street noise from pesky tricyles that cannot drive by in their usual cantankerous speed due to the weather. Hah! Happiness!

School was canceled throughout the city and it was perfect for curling up in bed with a good book. So I took advantage of the weather and instead of itching to go to the nearest mall to watch a movie or pick up the books I ordered, I stayed home and worked on these pages some more.

Missy, a dear friend did me the favor of buying my medication and agreed to visit me at home instead of going out for snacks so I had even more time to enjoy the weather.

This is the building where I live. My flat is on the top floor. I almost pasted over this one. It didn't turn out the way I wanted it to so I decided to do a paper mosaic on the building instead. Halfway through it I lost all hope of redeeming it visually, until Missy saw it. She asked what's so awful about it and told me how it distinctly looks like my house. So here it is now after much fussing over. Its a bit more decent than it was when I started on it.

This is the cabinet of drawers that I called, "Hiding Places"

This is what the inside of those drawers look like. The black and white stamp and ink drawing is still a work in progress. I plan to write something in it about what the things in the cabinet signify.

I was planning to stay in bed most of the day as my allergies took a turn for the worst and made breathing a struggle but I just couldn't. After I finished working on these pages I realized that I felt better despite the asthma. What do you know, art really does make me feel better, and happy and accomplished.

Rainy Wednesday

2006-07-12T11:37:00.000+08:00

I woke up to the sound of heavy rain. An hour later I heard the joyful squeels of young females. I live accross the street from a Catholic school for girls and such happy sounds could only mean one thing. Classes have been canceled. So another two hours passed with increased sounds of heavy traffic as parents and school bus service struggle to get a turn at picking up their charges in front of the school.

Meanwhile I was happily enjoying the fact that even though Wednesday is my first day of work every week I am not due to report back to work until next week. Hah! Happiness ever!

I love the rain even when I'm not at home. I love it even more when I'm at home where I can alternate sipping soup and leafing through my favorite children's books or curling up in bed reading a good book.

Being on sick leave for a month and half has given me a taste of what it'll be like when I retire and now I can't wait until I do.

I've been alternating doing my routines, -going to the grocers, light cleaning, laundry, with drawing and painting pages in my visual journal. I've had more time to surf without stress either.

So here's looking forward to retiring.

Another cause for celebration

2006-07-11T18:29:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I went to my favorite bookstore, Fully Booked. I ended up buying these books.

I would've loved Spilling Open instead but I was ecstatic to be able to own any of Sabrina's books. I discovered her website and read about her personal journey of discovery has inspired me immensely so finally getting the chance to read any book by her is deeply satisfying indeed.

Lane Smith turned out to be one of my favorite illustrators. I've loved the simplicity of his pencil illustrations for James & The Gian Peach. I found his The True Story of the Three Little Pigs in a pile of books on sale during one of National Book Store's annual Cut Price Book Sale without realizing that the same person illustrated these two books. Now I'm a hapless collector of Lane Smith's books. His style is as varied as the list o his published illustrations and stories. His use of texture and color has inspired me, yet again -immensely.

I can't wait to get started on The True & The Questions. Its a journal book with creative and expressive prompts. This'll be the first time I'll try my hand at altered book art. Her pages are so much more raw than mine. I plan and agonize over each of my journal entries. Perhaps this will be my chance to open up and be more spontaneous.

Happiness!

Why do I blog?

2006-07-10T15:24:00.000+08:00

Hmm. It just struck me to ask that. At the moment, I have no idea why.

Uh, its an outlet? I do know that when it starts to begin to feel like a chore I will stop doing it. That's one thing I'm certain of.

I had many qualms about blogging, especially putting up my very personal visual journal (VJ) pages. Why? Some of my students are the most inappropriate creatures on the face of the planet and they say the most inappropriate things to me. No doubt that my personal pages would elicit some gems but blogging being just the therapeutic fix that I need at the moment I decided to suck it up and throw caution in the wind. So here we are.

I've come accross some of the most interesting blogs on the web. Blaugustine, Sparky Donnatelo's,
Lucy Pepper’s, to name a few of my favorites.

Anyhow, its an exercise in introspection and a medium of self-expression so on with it, I say.

Tweaking my pages again.

2006-07-09T09:41:00.000+08:00

I've again, tweaked some of my previous pages. I can't seem to stop doing that. Sometimes I end up regreting it but I've atleast saved versions of these pages so I have something to go back to even if I can't do the same on the actual page. They're all hand rendered on an actual hand bound journal.

I suppose I could always just paste over the darn page with a new one. Okay, I'm'a stop babbling now and start uploading the page. E-he-he!

Pressed for time, is the page before the Rotten Garbage page and how I feel about it. I know its something I have to deal with and that I'm running out of time. This one has some resemblance to me compared to Achieving Growth. I've intentionally drew the head bigger. Actually, I wanted it even bigger, like looking at it from fish eye lenses. I suppose I can always tweak it in photoshop then but this is how the actual page looks like on my journal.

Here's the Rotten Garbage page again for visual reference.

I've also finished, hopefully, the top page of Hiding Places. It was gonna be a pop-up page but I realized that just wont work here since I've already finsihed the whole page. I should've done the paper engineering before I renedered it. So now it'll probably end up having a second page that shows what the cabinet looks like when the door and drawers are open. Oooh! Its agonizing to have different goal in mind and end up not accomplishing that. Ugh!

It doesn't look like me, eh? What can I say. My brush seems to have another person in mind when it drew this. Who knows, maybe its a sign that I'm not the one achieving growth. Ha-ha!

Solitude

I wrote the text using PS. Someday when I'm feeling more confident about how I'm going to execute those text I'll do it by hand, and ofcourse, upload yet another version of it here.

Well, what I say. My works, like myself and my life is perpetually a work in progress.

Panglimang Self-portrait

2006-07-06T14:40:00.000+08:00

Fifth Self portrait.

This one's a study for a journal entree on the idea of the THE LITTLE GIRL INSIDE OF ME. I was inspired by Antwone Fisher's poem.

Anyhow, I thought I'd pitch it in as part of Sparky's Self-Portrait Marathon. It being the last week and all.

Thanks to Natalie for the invite to participate in the said marthon. Thanks for Sparky for including me. Its been fun.

New Visual Journal Pages

2006-07-01T22:39:00.000+08:00

Here's another self-portrait candidate for Crackskull Bob's Portrait Marathon.

Whew! My computer's more efficient now. Thanks to the Disk Warrior and Gabs Villegas!

I can finally upload some of my new pages.

These two are the front endpiece of my current journal.

I just finished watching Mirror Mask several times when I did this one.

I did the one on the right while waiting for my turn at the social security's office and then later at the doctor's waiting hall.

2006-06-12T19:31:00.000+08:00

Last week I've had cause to celebrate! I've finally been able to pick up my friend Jurate's self-portrait doll which she sent to me all the way from Lithuania. Whoohoo! Thanks to Missy for the chaufuered ride.

This is one of my self-indulgent, as most of my journal entries are, pages which I did last week.

Here's another one on duality.

Getting better

2006-05-28T11:09:00.000+08:00

12 days since the op and I'm finally beginning to feel a little less sore, a little less weak and a little less helpless. I'm still clueless as to what sort of diet to get into as even the hallelujah diet's lists of foods to eat offer little help because a lot of them I'm allergic to.

Its mostly hit or miss at the moment. I try to eat a little of most of them and stop eating it when I get asthma. I do miss ice cream and cake, both have dairy and both give me asthma.

When I was a child I remember being served foods I like as a reward for getting well after a sickness, apples, oranges, pear, grapes. Now I can only eat what food won't give me asthma and citrus fruits and fruits high in sugar is part of the allergen list. Coughing becomes quite painful since the wound isn't completely healed yet so I try and avoid eating anything that would trigger it.

When I'm able to sit down for longer periods of time I'll be able to make entrees in my visual journal. I'll be happier and will wallow in self pity less often. I'm mostly frustrated because I don't know what to do so I'm back on the web conducting more research on my food issues. Understanding my issues helps me cope with it.

Getting back to work. 'Will post more when I'm able.

Coming home again.

2006-05-26T13:41:00.000+08:00

I got home from the hopsital 10 days ago. I actually tried to blog the very day I got home but blogger is in one of its spritz mood.

My plants have recovered from days of not being watered but my body had not recovered from the trauma of surgery.

3 days ago I went to the doctor for a post-op check up. I went walking to my place of work and sat and chat with collegues while I waited for the rain to stop. I went to the pharmacy to buy the new prescription on the way home.

I thought I was doing fine until I got home and started to feel achy and tired. So I went to bed and rested. The following morning I still felt tired and achy. When I cleaned and change the dressing on the wound, two of the spaces between sutures was agape and there was blood in the gauze. The doctor said this is normal because the subcutaneous layer of fat in that area was quite thick. Here we go again with the fat cause.

I'm not in denial about my heft but I'm not particularly keen on hearing my current primary health provider say that that's the reason why some spots on my wound are healing less rapidly than the rest of it even though its true. To my current doctor's credit she atleast did not smurk when she told be this. Call me sensitive or whatever else kind of label your can come up with but its not something I would like to hear at the moment when I'm vulnerable because I saw two gaping holes in the surgical wound on my stomach.

I'm venting yes. Its quite frustrating not being able to sit long enough to accomplish anything besides having a meal. Sitting causes the stomach muscles to contract and that's where the vertical wound is.

So before more complications arise. I'm hitting the publish button and will post when it doesn't entail much medical complications.

Going into surgery

2006-05-15T10:39:00.000+08:00

I've been undergoing medical tests for the past 2 weeks and today, I’m going to be admitted to the hospital this afternoon for a hysterectomy & removal of my ovaries. I’m tired of going under the knife. I’ve had two surgical procedures done in the past 5 years to address the problems that endometriosis and HRT related complications have brought on.

HRT has resulted in an early onset of menopause and so I am currently experiencing estrogen dominance. I should’ve gone back to using natural progesterone (progest cream) when my period became irregular last year. Anyway, that’s all moot and academic now.

I’m just sharing with you all this detail so you don’t fall into the trap of being put on HRT (progestine) or synthetic hormones. As it is it seems like I'm gonna be on progest cream for the rest of my life but that's something I'm willing to accept instead of going under the knife every couple of years to clean up the mess of estrogen dominance.

I'll be home on Friday at the latest. I hope I can cath up on my journaling in the hospital. Its an opportunity to watch tv with cable though. Ha-ha! I figured I'll never get some sleep if I have cable so I don't have cable at home.

Here's affirming the success of the surgery and that my fast healing, and so it is!

Accomplishments despite the setbacks

2006-04-27T12:51:00.000+08:00

This'll be a multiple entree. I've been having trouble uploading visuals here so I'm doing several entrees in one go. I've been away for quite a while, you see.

As it turns out both my hands have Osteo-arthritis, my working hand has CTS (Carpal Tunnel Syndrome) and I suffer from impinged bicep and deltoid tendons. AGH!

Despite all the restrictions I'm able to make headway with my visual journal work.

Iv'e even learned how to book bind and I've made two journals.

I've made some rubber stamps as well, I'm still accomplishing creative work so I'm happy. My finances could be better but as along as I'm doing art I'm happy.

Unusually though, my BP has been at a record high for two weeks now. Heat and humidity is at an average of 66 degrees here. I suspect that's at the root of the matter. I refuse to buy an airconditioning unit because I refuse to pay the ostentatiously exhorbitant power rates here! I'm not giving them any more of my hard earned money. However if this kind of heat continues I might have to eat my words and succumb to airconditioning. Hah! Either that or I join the mass pilgrimage to the malls here in Manila.

MAY 3
I had a mamogram, sonogram and full blood chem done. My uric acid, cholesterol are elevated and glucose is .3 more than the borderline. This means more food restrictions. As it is I'm already of a very restricted diet. Vegan meat and mushrooms are now prohibited and so is sugar. I'm supposed to have a low calorie diet to help ease the effects of estrogen dominance. The sonogram doesn't look very good. I haven't shown it to the OBgyn yet but the results indicate ovarian cystic masses, adhesion of the ovary to the cervical area and uterine wall cysts. Whew! Writing all that zaps my energy.

I wish I had continued using progest cream. I would've avoided all this if I did. I was financially strapped 4 years ago because I moved to the city to cut down on my travel time to and from work. I had to cut my expenses down and the progest was one of the first to go because it cost about 1300 a month.

Now here i am with all the debris that progesterone deficiency and estrogen dominance have brought with it. Agh!

More material for my visual journal eh?

More epiphanies but...

2006-04-12T20:39:00.000+08:00

I've been reading Sabrina Ward Harrison's story of how she finally got her Spilling Out book published and had an epiphany. A double epiphany, actually.

I realized though that I tend to announce my plans before I even accomplish then and then feel like crap when I'm unable to accomplish them for one reason or another. So I'm going to go against my nature and not talk about it. Well, not entirely anyway. Wa-ha-ha! I'm probably not making sense right now but suffice it to say that I'm getting the ingredients ready and will shortly put the the oven in pre-heat.

Oh, and about those glow in the dark crowns on the fabric of the Princess Pouch. I can't photograph them. I think I'll need violet light, which I don't have at the moment, to do it.

Time to go back to that micromovement jupiter, SARK's cat prescribed.

Moving along somehow

2006-04-12T11:15:00.002+08:00

Went to the dentist to have a molar extracted yesterday. It felt like my skull was being ripped apart. No pain, just that feeling of tugging. I wonder if that's what it feels like when people say, "You rock my world!" Wa-ha-ha! Other than that, if went fine.

I took pain reliever when I got home, applied cold compress on the affected area for 30 minutes, waited an hour and had lunch. No sweat eh? So then I felt normal enough to press on with previous plans and I made these...

I've innovated on this pouch technology I got from an old indian pouch a friend gave me years ago. You pull the strings to close the pouch and pull on the shorter string near the string hole to open it. I've replaced that shorter string with shoe charms. I thought it would go well with the theme of "Your Inner Princess." Sort of like your inner Cinderella. Only, one who is braving the demands of independent single maidenhood instead of putting up with an oppressive step Mom. A-ha-ha! Fabulous, eh?

I made them in two sizes.

The print reminds me of illustrations of princesses in one of my favorite children's book. Hence, the name Princess Pouch. Its an anthology of fairy tales which has now fallen apart from years of reading. My Aunts read to me during bedtime from that book.

Anyway, that's why I bought the fabric when I recently went to my home town for a visit. As it turns out, in between the princesses are white crowns that glow in the dark. I'll try and photograph them without flash later and will post it here.

I thought I'd sell these come opening school day or give the smaller ones as gratitude tokens to people who'll give birthday gifts to me next week.

Medical and dental expenses seem to have cropped up in one go this week! A week before my birthday too. So I've called off all celebrations. My finances are shot at the moment.

I'm thankful I have the week to catch up on sewing and visual journaling. That would take my mind off the financial and medical worries at least.

More later. I'm due to meet former students for some informal advicing.

Moving further along

2006-04-10T21:36:00.000+08:00

Whew!

Just cleared the clutter on my work table this morning before I went out.

I finally went to the doctor (a western doctor) to have my shoulder and arm checked. Its tendonitis. I'm due for a physical therapy treatment to address the pain and was prescribed a once a day medication for the pain. I don't like taking pharmaceuticals so I prefer eastern medicine -accupuncture, specifically, to manage pain. Its been almost 2 months now and the pain has progressed so I decided to give western medicine another shot. On to more medical expenses. Haay!

Atleast I'd be able to do some visual journaling tonight now that my work table has been cleared of clutter.

Moving along

2006-04-10T01:19:00.000+08:00

Atleast that's what I want to accomplish.

There's just the matter of clearing up the chaos in my work room. Deep breaths, girl! Deep breaths!

My workroom is always a mess when I'm lagging behind. I tend to work on something until its done. I clear up the table before I go to bed. Can you tell I haven't accomplished much lately? E-he-he!

Before I leave for errands tomorrow this'll be all cleared up.

More soon. The holly week break's gonna be a good time to catch up on things.

Getting by

2006-04-07T00:56:00.000+08:00

I'm getting by.

Its not a happy state to be in but it'll do for now. I haven't been posting as I didn't feel like writing about my current ills. I didn't want to define myself by my aches and pains and at the moment this is all I can talk about because its frustrating me to desperation! So I've decided to ditch that and just rant. It might help. No one's going to judge me here. Its my blog and I can write what I want in it.

I've been in treatment for about 6 weeks now. I would hope that there'd be some kind of relief. Instead the pain on my shoulder has progressed and I am typing this while I waves of pain sweep through my shoulder.

I was happy to have been able to paint the bugs 2 weeks ago and found that painting didn't hurt. Today I tried drawing and writing on my journal and found that doing that was also painful.

I tend to make studies before I execute a visual concept in whatever form the concept dictates and now that I don't have that option I found myself unable to go through this phase in my creative process. Again, more frustration.

If I want a pearl then I must become a diver. Well atleast that's what one of the rune cards say. I am however at my wits end trying to cope with the pain and the frustration. I must get past that before I can even begin to adjust.

Taking pain reliever doesn't really help. It makes me drowsy and I don't get anything done but sleep.

Later I'll try and do some sewing. Off to bed I go with the hope that the pain will eased by slumber. More slumber...

New Insects

2006-03-25T23:48:00.000+08:00

I've been painting this weekend. I finished doing chores. Did my best to keep away from the computer. I can't resist uploading this even though I've previously decided to be on computer leave until my arms and shoulder have recovered.

I'm so happy to have finally finished these. Happily, painting doesn't hurt my shoulders as typing this does. Bursitis is not something I welcome in my life. Its disruptive and painful.

This is Mantie. Its one of those really cheap balsa wook puzzles I bought from a Christmas bazaar last December. I wish I'd bought more. They're addictive to put together and fun to paint.

This is Antsie.

This is Billy Bee.

This is the Butterfly.

This is Mookie.

Tiresome week

2006-01-18T00:39:00.000+08:00

Whew!

This has been a tiresome week. I feel like life is draining out of me. I suddenly feel like my feet are leadened and my eyelids are made of bricks.

When I'm at school though, I come alive. Then I go home and all I want to do is stay in bed to read and sleep. Haven't felt like this in ages.

My next post will not be so gloomy but...

I'm falling asleep on the keyboard. Off I go. My bed calls to me. Zzzzzz.

Getting over the holiday euphoria

2006-01-05T00:07:00.000+08:00

Whew! The holidays are over and back to the grinding wheel I go.

I spent 9 hours going through the thesis paraphernalia of 11 thesis advisees. I'm spent. I still have three more students to meet tomorrow. Sigh! It's gonna be a long day.

I'm bringing my lap top to the shop tomorrow for a minor repair. Hopefully, I'll be able to pick it up the same day so I can use it to catch up on my back logs.

I'm happily stress free emotionally today despite the hectic work load. Its funny how my resolve to start anew has been renewed after I've caught up with old friends. I received emails from old friends whom I have not heard from in a long time. I just realized I've missed them.

I'm not big on missing people. People come and go in my life and I'm used to it. I'm grateful for time spent with friends but I find I'm no longer emotionally attached to them. However, I'm always happy to see them again or renew ties when the opportunity comes up.

I probably wouldn't have said this ten years ago. This emotional independence is quite new to me. I always need to ask the opinion of close friends before I decide anything and I usually cannot decide on my own without running it by friends first. I realized I've learned to keep my own company.

Now when friends come by to visit I seem to be able to enjoy their company better. I used to crave their company but now that I don't, I enjoy it better when they visit. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, off to bed I go. I'm in need of a good night's sleep. I have tons of visual journals to grade and piles of thesis paraphernalia to check tomorrow.

Good night dear void. I hope your silence signifies more than solitude.

New Creatures

2005-12-30T22:57:00.000+08:00

I'm finally getting my life in order. In preparation for the new year I've conducted a cleansing in all aspects of my life. I've given away clothes I haven't used (mostly clothes I'm still hoping to fit into, that is), shoes I don't use anymore and finally tended to unfinished affairs.

One of them is to update my picturetrail album. I've uploaded new jpgs of all my recent works. There are picts of the fertility dolls that I've made for friends and collegues and new wire work bugs I've made to sell.

My fertility doll. Have a look at the rest of them here.

This is mukitina. See the rest of the bug menagerie.
Here's affirming our fufillment, good health, happiness, and all the love our heart can hold, and so it is. HAPPY NEW YEAR ONE AND ALL!

The Aftermath

2005-12-27T00:53:00.000+08:00

The day after Christmas is almost over and I find myself wishing I could go back to the 24th so I can spend a moment remembering my Dad. It was he's death anniversary. I don't much like celebrating death anniversaries. I'd rather remember good things about loved ones who have passed away.

Now years later, when I try to remember, I'm still stuck on the painful memory of loosing him. It feels like it was yesterday.

I spent most of that day (24th of Decemeber, that is) with my siblings. I helped my sister make the traditional buko salad (condensed milk, cream, fruit cocktail, sweet corn, young coconut , pineapple tidbits). In my haste to beat the traffic I forgot to bring my own food so I had to make do with a tomato and onion omelete. I'm a vegan so I usually bring my own food to family reunions.

We all went to have diner with the Aunts and then proceeded to my sister's church to hear Bhutan (one of my niece) sing her solo as part of the children's choir. She pleaded with us not to come see her. Of course we all wanted to go and see her even more after she begged us not to.

I realized how detached I really felt from the practice of public worship. I was mostly uncomfortable being there as I really would rather not participate in the service out of politeness. It brought back unpleasant memories from childhood when I used to endure sunday mass which the Aunts insisted I attend.

I remember wearing clothes that was both uncomfortable and inappropriate. The aunts' idea of sunday's best are clothes that looked flashy and formal. Comfort doesn't seem to be part of her agenda when she made them for me.

Now that I'm an adult I realize even more how I prefer personal spiritual practice. I no longer have to wear flashy clothes that made me want to scratch every inch of my body and I can do it in the privacy of my home away from public scrutiny. I don't have to smile and endure questions of how many kids I have even though I'm single and have no plans of having kids. I can wear my pajamas around the house and do whatever I like on Sundays. Life is good.

Well, now I'm getting sleepy and looking forward to sleeping. Good night dear void.

Merry Christmas one and all!

2005-12-25T02:04:00.000+08:00

Hi yah all.

I'm finally finished with Christmas gift making. I can finally get back to working on my pieces. I have 3 dolls to finish and a dragon or two to make. I wish the Christmas break was longer.

Happily, I'm finally able to achieve closure concerning the betrayal issue. Now I can finally get back on the road to healing about all the hurt that came from that painful phase in my life. I'm still working on some other older hurtful experiences. I seem to have a lot of them and I'm only now beginning to remember them. Remembrance seem to be the key to dealing with unfinished business. Unhealthy relationships ends, old wounds become fresh again but despite it all, lessons learned from it all are invaluable and as a result other friendship gain more depth and value so I'm not complaining.

More later. Its been a long exhilirating, tiresome abut happy week. My bed becons. Right, so good night dear void. Tonight my heart is light and peaceful. Zzzzz.

Holiday mad rush!

2005-12-17T01:15:00.000+08:00

Whew! I'm currently on the last leg of my holiday preparations. A lot of my gifts are handmade again this year. This saves me money and it gives me joy to create something out of nothing (well, next to nothing, that is) so I'm always happy despite all the hard work it takes to make the gifts.

I'm also in the middle of tweaking my life. This is something I seem to find the need to do every six months.

I'm thinking the universe doesn't really cut me anymore slack when it comes to sweeping undealt with issues under the rug. I'm finding this to be more and more true as I get older. I'm guessing this also has something to do with the fact that I don't put up with so much BS anymore.

I'm just not willing to waste time anymore. "I have things to do and places to go!" That seems to be the battle cry of women of history.

This year, I am proud to be able to say I am a woman of history. I have won my battles, well atleast a lot of them, and learned my lessons. Some of them I'm still learning. Life is good and I am learning new ways to be happy everyday.

Like everyone else I'm also learning how to forgive. I've realized that there are so many facets to that very basic karmic lesson and at the moment I'm more than a little stumped with accomplishing forgiveness.

How does one forgive when there has been a breach or trust? I'm trying to move along with the tide and hoping I'll figure it out somehow but no matter how dulled the pain is its what prevents me from moving one.

I keep asking myself how I can let people use me and stay friends with them. Its just not a self-repecting thing to do. I see no reason to talk to the person involved because I no longer wish to give the friendship a chance. All I want to do at the moment is to move on.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm no longer angry and if this is an indication that I don't respect myself enough to get angry about such an enormous offense that has been committed to me. Or is it that I have finally achieved some evolution and my priorities have changed and giving in to anger is no longer part of it?

I still feel however, that this person no longer deserve my friendship. I think the fact that I'm writing about this means that I am angry and that I'm trying to convince myself not to give in to anger because I am unwilling to expend energy on someone so unworthy. I'm realising the offense is unforgiveable and that I am really in denial about that fact that I am unwilling to forgive.

I keep waiting and hoping the person will come up to me and tell me the truth but lately I'm realising maybe the person no longer knows what the truth is. The web of lies that has woven has become so intricate that I suspect this person can no longer tell the difference between truth and fiction.

Whatever the case maybe I think I'll let the universe take care of this one. I'm just too tired to do anything about it at the moment.

I think the holiday break will do me well. It would be good to keep away from my source of contradiction.

So good night dear void. I hope sleep will do me well tonight.

Another one of my multiple comebacks

2005-11-25T01:08:00.000+08:00

Hmm, it seems like I've been posting comebacks too often. I figured blogging ought to be forgiving if its going to be the effective creative medium that I believed it to be.

Anyway, I've just begun to strategize. I'm getting over the fact that I have 4 work free days as my teaching sched is not down to 3 days a week. Woohoo! Intentions really do shape one's experience. Thanks to Oprha for introducing me to that Gary Zukav concept.

I can actually go back to more creative work this semester. I've resigned myself to the fact that I can't make up for lost time as far as my grad school deadlines are concerned. I'm dealing with it all this coming summer break. Here's affirming AS240 & AS255 is avaialble this summer.

Meawhile I can finally pick up where I left off on my commission work. My apologies to Fatima and Alberth. I'm working on Delirum & Desire this weekend.

I think its time to make another dragon. I think I'll try to make a bigger one this time.

Okay, I gotta get off my ass and start sleeping if I'm gonna be doing any of this stuff I've decided to do this weekend. It's past 1 AM. Right. To bed I go.

Getting back from hiatus and into the void

2005-11-03T00:53:00.000+08:00

Whew! The semester break's almost over. Regrets begin to ensue. I still feel like I'm talking to the void when I post here. No matter, it's the process that counts.

Seems like I spent the whole time trying not to do nothing. I ended up scrambling for the last morsel of time to do what I really want to instead of what I ought to.

Hmm, I must not be making much sense eh? pardon the babling. I'm in a state of delirium at the moment. I wonder if I'll grow multi-colored hair like the Sandman's sister. E-he-he!

More later when I've managed to document what I've been up to this past few days. I'm hitting the hay for now. It's past midnight in my end of the planet.

>>Yawn.<< Good night dear void.

I'm back. Well...

2005-10-25T19:13:00.000+08:00

...almost.

I'm still figuring out how to use the Mac OS. I switched from windows to mac a couple of days ago. I'm just now able to go on line after much trial and error.

I'm downloading software updates and such so it'll be a long week. Plus I still have some backlog stuff to catch up to so this is a really short entree.

Here's affirming I make the cutoff for two long overdue paper I've been stalling to write. I hate unfinished chores so now I'm going to pay the price for leaving this open ended.

I'm going on a blog break

2005-09-28T23:02:00.000+08:00

It's the last two weeks of the first semester and this means madness for teachers like me. It'll be a mad rush towards meeting the deadlines for both work and grad school so I'm going on an indefinite break until I'm able to encode the grades on or before the 18th of October. ...Or at least until I'm able to get stay away from blogging, that is. E-he-he!

I'll be going to bed now. Had a splitting headache this evening after I went over the theoretical frameworks of my advisees this afternoon.

Good night all.

Rethinking my life

2005-09-25T12:48:00.000+08:00

I've just been reading Scott Mc Cloud's Understanding Comics and came across so much material for my textual analysis module for Aesthetics. Books are truly my oracle. Now the web has joined that rank as well. I fould planet ZARK as I was exploring Soul Food Cafe.

So where's the rethinking part coming in? Right. Hmm, I'm continually contemplating and wondering, in bewildering alternate sequences, the following questions:

What the hell am I doing?
What am I doing trying to affect change in other people's life when its my
lives that needs drastic changes?
Moving out of that house and into your own just doesn't seem to be
enough anymore. You know that by now. So what'll you do now?

Hmm. I've been on line for longer than I should. Right. I'm getting back to work. More later.

What's in a name?

2005-09-24T23:58:00.000+08:00

Try this. It's interesting, to say the least. It's alarmingly close but it would be interesting to know how others fare in this name analysis.

Found some interesting blogs. Not all 24 year olds seem to be caught up in themselves like they seem on the surface. Some of them are really concerned about the world and the planet. Here's affirming life will not completely eat away at their zeal and idealism, and so it is.

I spent most of my Saturday afternoon scanning images from the Griffin & Sabine Book 1 and Private 2nd Class. I thought they'd make fine examples of the creative and narrative possibilities of visual journaling. I really need to get a new computer system soon. I can't keep spending whole days just on scanning images. Everything seems to take forever to accomplish.

New Bugs & Critters

2005-09-22T23:41:00.000+08:00

Whew! It's been a tiring week. The weekend was quite fruitfull though. Here are some of the new wire works bugs.

This is is Mookie. I'll upload the rest this weekend in my recent works site.

This is Mukito.

Blogging Vortex & Litanies

2005-09-19T23:05:00.000+08:00

Whew! I've just been checking all my blogs, 8 was my last count. I'm beginning to understand what Natalie and Heather was talking about when they said blogging is addictive.

I just discovered this blog with a zeitgeist page on it. I thought it interesting as it's one of the concepts I teach in Art History.

Its been a really tiresome day. I was explaining art theories to students who have no adquate knowledge of art history. How does one explain or discuss textual analysis to students who doesn't know the history of modernism, post modernism?

So I ended up digressing and discussed a little about Dadaism, Avant Garde' movement while struggling to stay within the topic I first embarked to discuss for the day, textual analysis. Sigh!

I wish I could just show them an AVP on subject matters they have not studied or learned from art history and just leave it at that. I find myself re-inventing the pre-destined lesson plan for the week just to cope with the students' lack of art history and art appreciation background. It's trully draining.

Anyway,I'll have to try and cope with it all and make up for all the digressions next semester when we continue where we left off. Where's the coffee beans? I need to be brewing about a gallon of coffee to accomplish this. I'm falling asleep... More tomorrow. Hopefully I'll have the jpgs of the new wirework bugs I made during the weekend by then and I'll be able to upload it here. I'm getting them photographed tomorrow.

Journal Pages: Healing Process In Progress

2005-09-13T23:46:00.000+08:00

Here are scans of "Healing Process In Progress" pages.

Back from what seemed like a long hiatus...

2005-09-12T00:16:00.000+08:00

I didn't realize I've been away from the nether world for a week now. My in box was ladened with almost 900 emails. Who can believe that! I really ought to get started in using my gmail account, if I can find the details of it, that is. A-ha-ha!

Meanwhile I've made progress on my Imagineering comics flyer. I've only to scan them and add the dialogue baloons. Woo-hoo!

Meanwhile I'm off to visit Natalie's new gabriel updates and neil's blog.

Update on my quest

2005-09-03T20:23:00.000+08:00

I just came from my first imagineering workshop, "Visual Journaling: Rediscovering your creative soul." I designed these workshop to fulfill my mission of helping people rediscover their creative soul and although there was only two participants I feel closer to achieving my set goal.

The participants were high school home economics teachers. How fabulous! People who'll pass on what they learn to there students and colleagues. I gift that gives on giving. Hmm, pardon the cliche'. E-he-he!

They were able to make three pages in their visual journal: "Self portrait", "Map of my Destiny" and "Emotional Archeology: how I feel about Betrayal, Forgiveness, Love and Passion."

I wish I'd taken pictures of their pages but being a journal entrees they are private and they are not mine to share. I'll upload mine instead later this week. I'm still in the process of finishing one on "Betrayal."

More later.

Book Fair OD

2005-09-02T22:39:00.000+08:00

Whew! I just came from he book fair last Wednesday afternoon. I went crazy and purchased more books than I can afford. I may be eating grass for the next two weeks. Yay!

I am currently reading the V for vendetta of Alan Moore. I like what he's doing about what's been happening to London during the time that G Novel was in progress. I also like what he's doing with issues of gender in Promethea. I could probably write an article about the seminal nature of his works or it's spin on mythology and I probably will after I've read what I've purchased from he book fair (V for vendetta and Watchmen). That is after I finally finished the two papers due by the end of this semester.

Soon I wont be mentioning that in future tense anymore. That would be the day to celebrate.

Meanwhile I'm off to finish the Imagineering Visual Journaling 101 AVP for tomorrow.

More updates from the trenches

2005-08-29T13:40:00.000+08:00

Whew! I just finished hand binding four journals for my Imagineering workshop's Visual Journaling participants. This'll be my first workshop ina series of workshop focused on rediscovering creativity. I'm really psyched about it!

My hands are sore from punching holes on the 80lbs. paper I used for the journals. They turned out well. I'm pleased. I hope my students will like them. I also had an epiphany, why don't I sell these? Will factor it into my already filled up creative calendar.

I really should cut down on my teaching load so I can do all these things. I keep reminding myself that I have two completion papers to write on tope of getting my thesis top of my thesis topic proposal. Sigh!

More later. I'm off to finish the rest of the kit, or what I can of it.

Foregiveness

2005-08-26T11:30:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure where to start on this matter as it is still only a concept to me. I'm still in the process of learning its varied facets.

I came across this topic on Paul's spiritual diablog and I started thinking about my progress or my lack thereof.

Almost two years ago I decided to live on my own believing that being away from my source of grief I would be able to recover enough to achieve some spiritual healing and thus be able to learn a little more about forgiving my past hurts. The universe, alas, have other ideas and I found myself in a circumstance that not only tested my construct of forgiveness but also of friendship and self worth.

Without going into details, I've been ruminating on several issues concerning forgiveness along with other issues related to it and these are some of them.

When I decided to move on from a current or past hurt, I realized forgiveness is part of accomplishing that goal. However, deciding to forgive and accomplishing it are two different matters. I thought making the decision forgive is the first step towards achieving that end and that the rest of the process will reveal itself to me as I go along. After all intentions shapes one's experience, according to Gary Zukav.

My issue at the moment, one that I seem to still be stuck on for the last year and half, is how does one achieve forgiveness when the ones who have hurt you in the past continually hurts you every time you see them. As it turns out there really is no respite from it so my original idea distance being a key factor in recovery seems to be a dud.

I've realized that the reason why my offenders keep hurting me is because I am vulnerable to them. This vulnerability stems from the fact that their words and opinion matter to me. This also means that despite all that I have learned about self worth and self respect, I still need their approval. Otherwise I could just invoke the dictum, "Sticks and stones may hurt my bones..." and I’d continue to move along.

How does one go about fortifying one's sense of self worth and self confidence enough so that one becomes oblivious to the ill opinion of one's family or people one regards as friends? Is it really possible to insulate oneself from such hurts? Isn’t pain part of the lesson of forgiveness as well as betrayal and love?

I thought I’ve managed to figure out the former as I thought friendship have a self-appointed-shelf-life, which depends on mutuality and some form of set conditions but this part of my belief system is also in flux at the moment. As for the latter, I have a sneaking suspicion that a person is always vulnerable to one’s family because of unconditional love. It is this lack of condition that gives this relationship its free-fall-nature and thus places one in a constantly vulnerable position emotionally because it is part of our genetic code to love family members no matter how they treat us.

Does this mean then that the only thing a person should do is to turn one’s back from one’s oppressors whether they’re friend or family? Can one really do this? Does this not mean that a person has turned one’s back on the karmic circumstances that has been dealt to them? The karmic lesson that is to be learned then from that circumstance will be forfeited and will therefore be delivered in a more compounded manner?

I am baffled by this probability and also quite fearful of it. However, although I do not intend to carry along the burden that is the result of not forgiving I am still in the process of figuring out how to navigate this tumultuous path towards spiritual healing.

It seems like there are more questions than answers at the moment. Perhaps these questions are part of the lessons too and so it continues…

Blue Wednesday

2005-08-24T11:54:00.000+08:00

I'm not reporting for work today. My head feels like lead and my eyes won't focus. Fatigue and life, really has caught up. Happily though, I'm catching up on my backlogs steadily now that Mercury has gone direct. No more delays and mishaps.

More later. I'm going back to bed to sleep this off. Perhaps my mind will turn out better stuff than this current sludge.

Coming up for air

2005-08-23T22:23:00.000+08:00

Whew! I've finally been able to come for air after nights of staying past 1 AM laboring over the details of a portrait doll I'm making as a comission for a friend.

The wig gave me a bit of a problem but I think I was able to manage it well enough to install it tonight. Regretably though, I'm afraid it's not the same hairstyle as the person who's portrait this doll is supposed to be. I can't quite seem to get the naughty impish look I'm aiming for either.

I'm going back to work on her after I finish this post. Hopefully I'll be able to post jpgs of herwithin the week.

Meanwhile, I'm still figuring out how how to manage my time between the comission works which are steadily coming in trickles, the upcoming creatitivty workshop early next month and the two completion papers that are due by the end of this semester among other things.

I'm trully torn between devoting more time to art production and the completion of my master's degree. When I started on the program I was quite sure I knew why I chose art theory and criticism. I thought this area of study would help me sort out the varied contradictions I have about art and it's significance to me. Now that I'm only a thesis away from it's completions (plus the 2 papers I've mentioned earlier) I'm even more conflicted.

I started out looking for answers to several questions about the true value of art to me and to whoever will be coming accross my work. I realized that my personal significance is more valuable to me that how others will regard my work or the text of my work.

All this digging into the myriad of ways of reading text has informed me of different methods and devices for producing text. As to how I'm going to turn this realization into a topic for a masteral thesis that is plausible is another matter.

At the moment I neither have the inclination nor the desire to work on my thesis. This realization alone is what's giving energy to what augustine calls the inertia beast.

As far as I'm concerned, what I've set out to accomplish when I went into this field of study has already been accomplished. These realizations alone however does not earn me a master's degree. And so I labor to convince myself to push on with this endeavor for completion if only just for the sake of completion.

Perhaps I'm not really that much in the dark about all this and that I merely need to look at all this another way, as James parents would suggest (james & The Giant Peach).

More discoveries!

2005-08-21T13:20:00.000+08:00

I've just been going through natalie's pages and discovered her Thoughts illustrations and decided to post it here. Everyone would benefit from it so here's a glimpse of it.

Okay, back to work on Moppet's boots. Will upload images of her soon so youd know what i"m talking about.

I'm back.

2005-08-20T13:08:00.000+08:00

Whew! I'm finally back. My phone line was down for a couple of days. It's finally fixed and am able to post.

Its been crazy. I've been trying to finish two dolls but my body just isn't responding to my will. Those 2 am bedtime of several days have finally taken it's toll. It's like only my face is awake and the rest of me have taken a snooze without telling me. Sorry Moppet. I was hoping to finish it in time for your flight back to Cal.

Meanwhile I was happy to have visited natalie I discovered The Writer as a result. Thanks, Nat.

I'm going back to bed and waking up early to go back to work on it.

Notes from trenches

2005-08-16T00:02:00.000+08:00

Whew! I'm finally able to post after I've recovered the details of my accoutn here. Wa-ha-ha!

Everything seems like a blur witht he semester in full swing and the prelim exams just last week.

This is Li'l Delirium. More pictures of recent works here.

I've been busy with comissions and preparations for journaling and bookbiniding classes next month too.

I've also discovered the blogs of other interesting and wonderful artists (blaugustine) and am now oficially a blogger. Woohoo!

I'll post more when I'm able to get the hang of this.